August 2nd, 2008
|05:52 pm - Fancy a trip to ASDA? I advise against it....|
It occurred to me this week during one of my trips into (valley of the great unwashed otherwise known as..) ASDA that I really don't like any of the people I ever see there. Many are horribly inconsiderate, many are grotesquely fat, all are grotesquely stupid. In all fairness this is ASDA in Wolverhampton, so I should fully expect to see this sort of riff-raff, but knowing you're going to be around scum - and actually being around scum are two different things. I saw two shopppers together that had three teeth between them - literally -two for him and one for her, ironically they were standing near a toothpaste display. Interestingly (or hideously) they appear to be in a relationship - I can only assume they met on some toothless-inbred-singles dating page, but that would mean they can read, which is doubtful.
During my lengthy wait in line to pay for my overpriced items I meditated upon the idea that maybe this is a government conspiracy. Here's the idea - encourage all horrific and unattractive and down-right vile people to go where all food is purchased. The visual intensity (not to mention the nauseating smell) of these people is easily enough to put anyone off their dinner.
Ergo people buy less food (either from loss of appetite or from sheer disgust) and the nation slims. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
I mean, who would want to eat cream cakes when confronted with a piss-stinking, drooling old woman? Or the elephant man? Actually I did see one woman that seemed to be suffering from the same condition as poor old John Merrick - she had flaps over her face, deformed forehead and everything.
I think not...
But mutated locals aside, there are other factors that cause me to hate shopping in ASDA. Families for example. Supermarkets during peak hours are not fun-filled adventure playgrounds, nor are they sunny parks designed to take the kids for a nice stroll. So why do these morons think it's a good idea to bring their entire clan down to run amok in the aisles? Kids grabbing things of shelves and breaking them, crying and sobbing because they're told to put stuff back, running under your feet while you try to mind your own business. Jesus wept!
Almost as bad are those who ponder around, themselves like lost children, as if they were totally unaware of what to do in a supermarket. "Where am I? What am I doing here? 5 different types of pasta sauce? I'd better stand here for the next 15 minutes, bloking the whole aisle, while i read the ingredients list on each one". I can feel the anger rising in me like a bad sandwich.
And lest we forget those who decide to ram you with their trolleys. Nobody is stupid enough to go to a supermarket without a car, except for me that is - I always walk home with my shopping like a schmuck (curse you carbon footprint) but most people drive to get to ASDA. Driving is a complicated thing to do, more so than most people realise as they do it everyday, so it never fails to amaze me that people are unable to master the controls of a shopping trolley.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUSH IT, THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT THING TO DO.
Why then am I always getting knocks and jabs in my thighs and sides from these dickheads?
Have I developed the ability to become invisible, or are you just a stupid twat?
The idea of administering justice with a flamethrower made from a can of lynx and a cigerette lighter has occured to me on more than one occasion.
But all is not lost, for I have hatched a plan to turn my supermarket foes upon one another!
No more shall the honest man (me) suffer pain and anguish (them). All I need do is lure a family into the same aisle as one of the rogue trolley maniacs, stand back and laugh.
The screaming brat children will be approximately head height with the trolley - so a serious facial injury is a dead-cert. But this is only the beginning. The real sport is in the reaction of the enraged parents to the perp with the trolley. All those jabs and bruises from over the years would be worth it to see those idiots engaged in mindless, bloody violence.
Let the claret flow!
"Clean-up in aisle 5" will be heard over the intercom.
And it's not a smashed jar of pickled onions, oh no.
The blood of revenge!
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Melvins - Stag
August 1st, 2008
|05:52 pm - I always thought Canadians were so nice....|
"A man on a Greyhound bus travelling across the Canadian Prairies has killed and decapitated a fellow passenger."
I know people listen to music loudly can be annoying but this is a bit much.
Please follow the link for more :)
July 27th, 2008
|06:33 pm - Batman...|
... is awesome, awesome, awesome.
I'm gonna go see it again :)
July 25th, 2008
Its so damn hot!
Milk was a bad choice......
Current Mood: hot
Current Music: Stephen Malkmus
July 16th, 2008
|06:12 pm - My neighbours are arsonists & nutters....|
I was wandering my way home from work today only to find some guy in the building next to mine threatening to throw himself off the roof - which is about a 40-foot fall to the unforgiving pavement.
The Cops and firefighters had closed the road and cornered off the area - but living next door entitled me to a front row seat, so I got to watch :)
Tragically (or luckily depending on you point of view) he did not leap to a splattery end - a policeman went in 'Dirty Harry' style and dragged him down by the neck - but it was entertaining non-the-less.
Interestingly it was the same building where, about 7 months ago, a fire started in the middle of the night and the place nearly burn to the ground. 6 fire engines - 40 firefighters - a hideous raging inferno for 3 hours between 3am - 6am.
I slept through the whole thing, and it was all happening about 25 feet from where I sleep.
So yeah - my neighbours are arsonists and nutters.
Or maybe that buildings cursed like in the Shining... but thats another story for anthor day.
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Ben Folds
July 8th, 2008
I went on a training course this morning in Birmingham.
It was full of fat, fat women.
They looked like spitting-image puppets.
Current Location: Parents place
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Fucked up
November 29th, 2006
|09:02 pm - Peeping Tom.....|
....was so good it was almost like sum sort of spiritual euphoric experience.
I have never heared such things done with voice and microphone.
Current Music: Peeping Tom
November 23rd, 2006
This is me today.
Everyone else is 'Oh I'm so happy'
October 26th, 2006
|02:05 pm - Mudafukin' Bronx bitch!|
Went to see the bronx live on Monday.
Best live band ever.
All rock music/gigs should be that good.
October 8th, 2006
Last night was a beast.
A filthly drunkard BEAST.
I loved it.
Loadsa new people out, loadsa old folks not seen in ages, everyone in a great mood, lovely ladies, most of the night a blur, fookin' wicked.
Time for sum tasty food nurishment.
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Queen